50 Things I Am Not Allowed to Do in the TARDIS
by ICanFly-OUCH-NoICan't
Summary: Amy and Rory find a list of rules pinned to the TARDIS console one morning. Needless to say, everyone goes out of their way to break them as quickly as possible. Cracky McCrackCrack.


We do not own anything at all that is mentioned in this fanfic. Nor do we own quite a lot of other things. Like a giant, green, flying banana, for instance.

**50 Things I Am No Longer Allowed to do in the TARDIS**

**::::::::::::::::**

Amy and Rory came to the console room one morning to find a large sheet of paper stuck to the moniter. Written at the top was: "TARDIS Rules, to be obeyed by everyone on board. Including you, River. And Especially Jack."

Amy scanned the list.

"Well, this isn't very fair," she said to Rory, who nodded in agreement even though he had no idea what she was referring to. "Hardly any of these rules apply to the Doctor," Amy explained. "And he's the craziest and most embarassing of all of us."

Now Rory nodded in actual agreement. It was, indeed, very true.

"Have you got a pen?" Amy asked. Rory fished around in his pockets then spotted one on the TARDIS console right under their noses. "Let's spice this list up a bit."

By the time the Doctor came down to the console room that morning, pretty much the entire TARDIS crew had given the list a review of their own. It now read:

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1. No one is allowed to touch the wibbley lever

2. I am not allowed to steal the Doctor's bowtie (no matter how tempting it is)

3. I must not kill Rory

4. I must not draw attention to Amy's skirt (or lack thereof)

5. I am not allowed to play "I Just Haven't Met You Yet" at full volume whenever the Doctor and River Song are in close proximity

6. There are to be no more wild pool parties in the library

7. I am not allowed to lock the Doctor and the Master in a cupboard to see if hot gay sex occurs

8. Ditto Jack and anyone else

9. I am not allowed to declare Nekkid Tuesdays in the TARDIS (Jack, this means you!)

10. I am not allowed to replace the Doctor's converse collection with Vans

11. Only the Doctor is allowed to call the TARDIS "Sexy." And only when they're alone

12. I am not allowed to tease the Doctor about any of his previous incarnation's fashion sense (e.g. Five's stick of celery, Four's scarf or everything Six ever touched)

13. Or his current fashion sense, for that matter

14. Jack is NOT (repeat NOT) available for sexual favours

15. Except on Nekkid Tuesdays

16. Please ignore rule 15. It is not true

17. When Amy and Rory are in fancy dress, it is wise to leave them alone for a few hours (the Doctor does not wish to be scarred for life. Again. Even if they did ask him if he wanted to join in)

18. I must not force the others into dressing as a Peruvian Folk Band

19. I am not allowed to throw confetti everywhere and yell "PSYCHIC POLLEN! EVERYONE GET DOWN!"

20. I must not kill Rory

21. I am not allowed to steal a bin, a sink plunger and a whisk and wander around going "EXTERMINATE!"

22. I must never knock four times on the TARDIS door. It unnerves people

23. In fact, just make that any surface

24. I am not allowed to sneak up on the Doctor and cut his hair whilst he is sleeping

25. "I was sleepwalking and the Dream Lord made me do it" is not a reasonable excuse for any of the above

26. Or below

27. No Jack, that was not a euphemism

28. I must not paint the words "Hell's Weeping Angel" on the back of Nine's leather jacket

29. When listing companions, never forget the Tin Dog

30. And by "Tin Dog" I mean Rickey

31. Sorry, I mean Mickey (the idiot)

32. DON'T. TOUCH. THE. BABY.

33. I am not allowed to declare "Hug a Dalek" day

34. I must not kill Rory

35. Davros is not in it for teh lolz

36. I must not tease Amy and Rory about the bunk bed situation

37. I am not allowed to use the TARDIS for the morning commute

38. Or for shopping trips

39. Or to create huge and epic crossovers

40. Daleks are not sad. They neither need nor want your love

41. I must not constantly remind Rory that the Doctor's is bigger than his

42. Besides, I consulted Amy and she says that isn't true

43. Jack would also like to confirm this

44. I must not use the TARDIS to stalk people

45. I am not allowed to wear a gas mask and ask people if they are my mummy

46. Nine is not the invisible man and will not whack me with a stick so long as I quit asking him where his ginger beard and emo-haired poodle/apprentice have got to

47. I am not allowed to ask Ten whether "to be or not to be" is the question

48. I must not... Why the hell am I covered in tally marks? Never mind. What was I doing again?

49. I am not allowed to use spaghetti to pretend I am an Ood

50. I must not kill Rory.

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The list had been moved to the dartboard and was full of darts by 9 'o' clock that evening. It was suspected that the TARDIS was to blame. Needless to say Jack and River went out of their ways to break every rule as quickly as possible and the whole thing was forgotten anyway rather quickly by the time the Doctor and the Master were found in a compromising position in one of the cupboards.


End file.
